


I Wasn't Looking For You

by RaevynNocturne



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:29:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29617824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaevynNocturne/pseuds/RaevynNocturne
Summary: Prompt: a random chance of listening to "Die Alone" by Finneas causes the Doctor to remember more about Clara. Can he survive the onslaught of emotions?
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor/Clara Oswin Oswald
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I first heard this song, it struck a chord in me. The more I listened to it, the more I realized how much it fit the 12th Doctor during Face The Raven, Heaven Sent, and Hell Bent. So I decided to write this, and use the lyrics of the song.

"I wasn't looking for you.  
But you found me, you found me.  
As the smoke filled the room,  
In the Valley."

Sitting in a cafe, he hears the song play through the speakers. He usually doesn't listen to the songs that play, but this one catches his ears; the tune is sad, although the words are strange. 

"You asked me, 'do you want to die, alone  
Or watch it all burn down together?  
I said I'd rather try to hold on to you forever."

A memory surfaces, of a meeting in a cafe like this one, an attempt at goodbye. He doesn't recognize the girl in the memory, but he knows it's emotionally painful. He knows he lied to that girl, but not why.

"Cause I know that I will love you.  
And I'm not letting go.  
If the sky darkens above you,  
I'll stay by your side in the afterglow."

Unbidden, tears start to firm in his eyes, but he furiously rubs his eyes, trying to banish the tears. He's a 2,000 year old Time Lord, why should he be crying about someone he can't even remember?

Another memory, a Christmas one, flying high above London, and arms hugging him from behind. Then of a dark room, lit from a fire, and an old woman. His hearts beat painful at the sight, because again, although he doesn't recognize her, he at least knows she's a human, and is almost at the end of her life. 

A rough, raspy bird call from outside the window makes him start, staring at the large bird, a raven, and this time he feels cold, empty, alone. Ravens have long been associated with death, and he doesn't like how painful he feels looking at the bird. Rubbish, you're just overthinking again, he tells himself bitterly, taking a sip of his coffee.

"This was the place I grew up,  
But it's ashes to ashes.  
Now memories fillin' my cup  
But it comes in flashes  
And see your eyes, I know,  
There's nothing I'll ever find better  
I think I'd rather die alone, together"

He remembers the confessional dial, and the long fight back to Gallifrey, but he doesn't remember why he fought so hard, and why he feels like he's drowning. He remembers the bittersweet victory over Rassilon, and the Cloisters, but who else was there, with him? Who is this girl that haunts him so much?

"Cause I know that I will love you.  
And I'm not letting go.  
If the sky darkens above you,  
I'll stay by your side in the afterglow.

Cause I know that I will love you.  
And I'm not letting go.  
If the sky darkens above you,  
I'll stay by your side in the afterglow.

I wasn't looking for you,  
But you found me." 

When the last verse plays, sung acapella, something inside him breaks. He sees her face now, can almost hear her laughter. Clara. He name was... Is... Clara. It's as if the universe itself wanted him to remember her, his Impossible Girl. He remembers when he had a bowtie, how he loved her; how he changed his face, and almost lost her. How he was willing to live 4.5 billion years to see her again, to hold her, one last time. He lost the woman he loved to a paranoid old man who had a vendetta against him, against the Doctor. 

This time the tears fell, and he didn't stop them. He knew it was foolish, but he was hurting, he was angry, and he wanted people to know. He wanted to rush outside, and scream in rage, take the TARDIS back to Gallifrey and find Rassilon, beat his smug face until the man bled. He wanted...

He wanted her. By his side. Like old times. He ignored the logical side if him, trying to make him see how dangerous it would be to chase her, to look for her again.

Unable to stand it, and leaves the cafe, vision blurry, eyes burning, tears falling freely. He barely makes it through the doors of the TARDIS before he releases a wild scream, born of pure primal rage, thankful the sound couldn't escape the closed doors behind him. 

He falls to his knees, both hearts burning, and tears fall anew. Why? Why him? And why her? He almost wishes he could forget her again, forget all the same. He remembers when he first spoke to her, a faint smile ghosting over his lips, and he sinks into the weight of the memories.

"I wasn't looking for you,  
But you found me."


	2. Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I originally had no intent on adding to this, but I read some of my old poems, and decided I really liked them. So I'll be adding to the story, using my own poetry, "Behind" by Raevyn Nocturne. Hope you guys like it. This part of his memory will be based during Heaven Sent and Hell Bent, because of the poem, but it's still part of my overall story.
> 
> Also, btw, the poem was added for the reader's benefit, it's not something in the "scene", not like the song in the previous chapter/scene.

_Standing on the edge,  
Between dream and reality.  
Nowhere to go,  
No one to turn to.  
I look up,  
Expecting to find an answer,  
Instead, all I see is rain._

Falling, he remembers falling, and cold water, and then waking up under the water, and staring at thousands of skulls. His skulls, he remembers bitterly, crawling to the shore. Dark, overcast skies, occasionally raining during the day, leaving clear skies at night.

_The light inside me,  
Died when you went away.  
I'm lost, alone,  
Hopeless and scared.  
Where did you go?  
Why did you leave me behind?_

He remembers punching through that crystalline wall, and walking through the gate, back to Gallifrey. Taking on Rassilon, he smiled darkly at that memory. Freeing Clara, however, his hearts burned with pain. She is god-knows-where, and thinking he still couldn't remember her. He ached to be with her again, to hear her laugh in person. To hear her chastise him for something stupid, just to make her feel better, feel in control. Why did she leave? Why did she not tell him who she was in the desert?

He stares at his fists, curled up, tears dripping hot onto them, feeling the urge to beat his fists against something. Feeling physical pain would be preferable to the emotional pain he's feeling.

__

_Blind, I follow any path,  
Stumbling as I go along.  
No one reaches out to catch me,  
No one offers to help._

He remembers the diner, not knowing that was her at the time; his fingers unconsciously moving to the chords of the song, her song. She was RIGHT THERE, the whole time, and he couldn't remember her, so he never knew. He remembers how odd it was realizing he was in a TARDIS, as the diner disappeared around him. And the beautiful art on his TARDIS, that he still remembers, because it was beautiful; he was sure it was from Rigsy.

__

_I am defenseless,  
Unable to help myself.  
The light inside me died,  
The day you left me behind._

"I wasn't looking for you, Clara Oswald, but you found me," he said so softly, it was a whisper, that echoed through the TARDIS.


	3. Was It Really Worth it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: After looking through the poetry, I decided this will be next, "Was It Really Worth It?" by Raevyn Nocturne. There will be one more chapter after this. Hope you enjoy!

__

_I found myself looking,  
Deep, deep inside.  
And I found myself wondering,  
Is it really worth it?  
Was it really worth it?_

He feels drained, spent, weak in body and spirit. He drags himself over to a jump seat, and sags into it, laying his head back for a moment. More and more he questions his actions, and the true consequences. Had his blind love for someone caused irreparable damage to the universe? To time? Perhaps not, but what if they HAD stayed together? Would they destroyed the balance that he had strived so hard to maintain?

__

_Everytime I look inside,  
All I see is darkness.  
Everytime I hear your name,  
It's like a whirlpool,  
Deep inside of me._

Even now, as her name echoes in his mind, he feels torn. Does he love her? There's no question. Does he love her enough to let her go? Does he love himself enough to let her go? Ah, now that's a good question.

__

_And I found myself wondering,  
Is it really worth it?  
Was it really worth it?_

Was his love too powerful? His need for companionship too overwhelming? He can see how poorly he handled it all, and how much he hurt her.

__

_I try to hold on,  
To that thing we call life.  
To a dream I once held dear,  
To a memory I can't let go._

The anguish on her face after Danny Pink died, and the shock when she realized that he, the Doctor, cared so much for her, that he was willing to go to hell for her, to bring back this other man. Or, even before that, how he'd left her on the moon, causing her to question their friendship. The look of deep pain when she realized that he'd taken her out of time, keeping her semi-alive because of a selfishness born of love, and loneliness.

__

_I can't let go,  
Of this pain deep inside.  
I want to let go...  
But I just can't let go._

As he struggles with all the swirling emotions, and all the memories, he cries, although his eyes are shut. He wants a proper goodbye, but fears that would do more harm than good. What if he can't let her go? Or worse, what if she can't let him go?

__

_And I find myself wondering,_  
Is it really worth it?  
Was it really worth it?

He sits up suddenly, and dries his eyes. He knows now what to do, even though it will be painful, for them both.

"Can you locate their TARDIS? I promise I'm not going to go after her, I just want to send her a message. A proper goodbye . Please," he says softly, that last word pleading. The old girl capitulates, reluctantly, wishing she could ease his pain. She locates the TARDIS, and puts the coordinates on a monitor. He goes about setting up the holographic recorder, hoping this will work.

"Hello Clara. Yes it's me, the Doctor, your Doctor. I remember it all now, and it hurts. But, I've thought about it, and as much as I care about you, I care enough to let you go. Hopefully by now you've made a life for yourself, and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to leave it. So this is me, saying I love you, and saying goodbye. I see you now, my impossible girl. And I know you now see me too." he says clearly, taking care to not let the tears he feels make his voice break. He opens his arms, as though for a hug, stands like that for a few seconds, then mentally stops the recording. He feels a tear trickle down his face as he sends the message, but doesn't wipe it away. It still hurts, but he honestly feels lighter, like as though a heavy burden has been lifted. He knows he can finally move on.


	4. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last chapter, with the poem "Love", by Raevyn Nocturne. I hope you all have enjoyed this story, and the poetry!

Several days later, a beeping noise attracts the Doctor's attention; looking at the monitor, he sees it's a message, a simple written one. His hearts beat faster, and he clicks open.

"My dear Doctor, it was so good to not only hear from you, but to see you, even if only in a holographic message. I would've replied the same, but we still can't figure out how to get it to work. I found something recently, a poem, that I think you'll love, almost as much as I did.

I love you too, but I agree that it's perhaps best we both move on. I'll return to Gallifrey one day, but for now, I'm taking the long around.

Love always,

Clara "The Impossible Girl" Oswald.

Love, by Raevyn Nocturne

Love is blind: it doesn't see your imperfections.  
Love is patient: it doesn't give up on you, even if you and everyone else has.  
Love is understanding: it understands you better than anyone, even yourself.  
Love is strength: it will pick you up when you are down.  
Love is warmth: it will protect you against the coldest of storms, whether physically or metaphorically.  
Love is kind: it will never leave your side.  
Love just is: without love, one cannot survive."


End file.
